Surreal Marmalade
One of the
pleasures of writing about marmalade is that it often takes one in quite
unexpected directions. For example, while idly trawling the internet recently
for quotes about marmalade, I came across an intriguing snippet involving Chinese
carpets, a theory of inanimate objects and a man named Clark-Trimble.
The quote was by
humorist Paul Jennings and it went like this:
‘When numbered
pieces of toast and marmalade were dropped on various samples of carpet arranged
in quality, from coir matting to the finest Kirman rugs, the
marmalade-downwards-incidence (ยต∂I) varied indirectly with the quality of the
carpet (Qc) – the Principle of the Graduated Hostility of Things.’
I was intrigued.
What on earth was the context? And what is the Principle of the Graduated
Hostility of Things? I continued searching, assuming that it was just a piece
of nonsense – but then I saw it quoted in a proper academic essay by Daniel
Chandler, entitled 'Technological Determinism'.
Curiouser and
curiouser. I read on.
In the essay,
Chandler is discussing Technological Animism (stay with me, it gets funnier) as
the basis for a philosophy called Resistentialism, summed up as ‘Les choses
sont contre nous’ – Things Are Against Us. The essay then refers, quite
seriously, to the Clark-Trimble experiments of 1935, in which (and here’s
where the Chinese carpets come in) Clark-Trimble investigates his theory that
the world’s inanimate objects are engaged in a war against its human occupants.
I’m now completely
gripped, though rather feel as if I have wandered into a Douglas Adams novel.
The essay runs
thus:
‘During some research into the relation between periods of the day and human bad temper, Clark-Trimble, a leading Cambridge psychologist, came to the conclusion that low human dynamics in the early morning could not sufficiently explain the apparent Hostility of Things at the breakfast table – the way honey gets between the fingers, the unfoldability of newspapers, etc.
‘During some research into the relation between periods of the day and human bad temper, Clark-Trimble, a leading Cambridge psychologist, came to the conclusion that low human dynamics in the early morning could not sufficiently explain the apparent Hostility of Things at the breakfast table – the way honey gets between the fingers, the unfoldability of newspapers, etc.
‘In the
experiments which finally confirmed him in this view, and which he demonstrated
before the Royal Society in London, Clark-Trimble arranged 400 pieces of carpet
in ascending degrees of quality, from coarse matting to priceless Chinese silk.
Pieces of toast and marmalade, graded, weighed and measured, were then dropped
on each piece of carpet, and the marmalade-downwards incidence was
statistically analyzed. The toast fell right-side-up every time on the cheap
carpet, except when the cheap carpet was screened from the rest (in which case
the toast didn't know that Clark-Trimble had other and better carpets), and it
fell marmalade-downwards every time on the Chinese silk…
‘The success of
these experiments naturally switched Clark-Trimble's attention to further
research on resistentia, a fact which was directly responsible for the tragic
and sudden end to his career when he trod on a garden rake at the Cambridge
School of Agronomy.’
That final
sentence rather gives the game away; and Chandler then admits; ‘Resistentialism
was actually dreamt up by the humorist Paul Jennings in 1948, but it is one of
those schools of thought which ought to exist, and which in our most
technologically frustrating moments we devoutly believe to be true.’
The whole of
Jennings’s essay is in Dwight Macdonald's book, Parodies; and for the whole of
Chandler’s essay, which includes an explanation of why a photocopier knows what
you’re thinking, click here. (I’m including the link to give it full credit, in the
hope that no one will mind my pilfering this long extract for your amusement.)
The main benefit
of discovering this delightful piece of work is that when I next see a piece of
toast heading for the floor, marmalade-side down, I can say, wisely, ‘Ah ha!
Clark-Trimble was right! Les choses sont contre nous!’ to general admiration.
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